Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
