Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I cannot find my penis.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
