I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
