my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My bed smells like the plague
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
