so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
