Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
