Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You pole danced in your parka.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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