I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
