Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
