I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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