I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
