i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
