It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
