I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
