well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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