I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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