I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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