Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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