If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
