The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
