My nipple is on Facebook.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
two words...techno handjob
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
