Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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