She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
