I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
