she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
