i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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