so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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