Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
