: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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