I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
