Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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