i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
