my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
