What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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