My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
