In the future we'll all be gay
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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