just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
