oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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