Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
