I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dignity is for republicans.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
