I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
