The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
