I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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