the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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