The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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