so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
