im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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