Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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