Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
