i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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