I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
