i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
